Relationships are a very vital, needful thing to us. This is the way God made us. And in His word He set a pattern as to how we are to behave in those relationships. Whether it be as family member to family member, friend to friend or as a married couple. The basic understanding of how to relate and treat others is universal in everyone. But that understanding, and practice, only goes so far without the word of God. The way we should treat others is not only about kindness, being fair and love, it’s about putting them first, in all things and in every way. Unfortunately, that’s not something many people practice.
We were in a local home improvement store the other day where I witnessed a couple behaving toward one another in what seems to be a common way. As I was walking toward the check-out, the man was talking to his wife. She was standing some distance to him, looking at a grape vine root. I was standing in line when she began to walk over to him. He kept saying, “I’m not paying for that! I’m not paying for that!”, in a loud, obnoxious voice. She turned around and slowly walked back to the shelf and put the vine back on it. He watched her as she was looking at other ones. It was almost their “turn” to check-out and she walked back to him with different vine. All the while is is watching here, thumbing through a rather large wad of money, and saying, “I’m not paying for that! Hey! Didn’t you hear me?! I’m not paying for that!”. She coolly walked back to him and said, pointing to the 2 drill bits in the cart, “I already have those at home.” So she took them out, stuck them somewhere and placed the vine on the counter to be paid for. Everyone was looking at them as they paid for their items and walked out the store.
There was a young man standing behind them (he was giving them plenty of room!) and I found myself saying to myself, “Please don’t look at them as a model of what marriage is!”. It was obvious that these two had no idea of what God has to say about how we treat each other. Or if they had an idea, they didn’t know how to employ them.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself… Ephensians 5:25-33a
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
This man was not loving his wife. Sure, he’d say he did, but his actions towards her said otherwise. He was talking in a loud, obnoxious voice towards her, causing people to stop, listen and watch them. He was not gentle in his attitude with her nor was he kind in his behavior. The way he was looking at her was hard, almost mean. There was no tenderness or love in his gaze at all. I’m not saying that men should always treat us as if we are glass and will break at the slightest squeeze. But I do believe the Lord Jesus would talk with us with gentleness, His gaze on us would speak love, His words would be tender, even if they are firm in a rebuttal. The day before Adam and I were married, my mother made this comment, “Boy! He sure loves you! You can tell by the way he looks at you!”. She was here again this last Christmas and she told me that when he looks at me, that “love look” is still there, after 10 years. This is how a husband should be toward his wife. Just as Christ is towards the church.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing…and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22-24, 33b
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
This woman did not obey her husband, not did she reverence him (give him respect). It was obvious she had no intention of listening to her husband and she did what she wanted to do. She called his bluff, and his talk was empty. In her cool, distant attitude towards him, she never actually looked right at him as he was talking, nor did she when she was talking to him. While he was rude in his loudness, was was equally rude in her quiet rebellion. She did not respect him.
This is very important: I am not saying that a woman should be a door mat and a man should be weepy and soppy. That is not what God said this for. The man is the head of the house, whether he wants that job or not. And the woman is his helper, whether she wants his job or not. It’s a delicate balance, for sure.
Did you notice that Paul is telling the men to “love your wife”? He has no command for the women because showing love toward others come naturally to us. Not that men can’t love, because they can. And they do. But I don’t think the showing of that love comes as easily to them as it does to us women. They are more black and white and tend to be rough (blunt?) in their relationships towards people. When dealing with women, who are more emotional anyway, that roughness can be hurtful sometimes. But when you show someone love, your are softer and tend to be more gentle in your dealings with them.
And for women? That we submit to our husbands. God’s way is not for the wife to be the head (meaning she’s in charge over all). We “naturally” want to be in the leadership role (remember Eve?). We like to be the ones making the decisions, doing our “own thing”, and being in power (just look at Mrs. Speaker of the House!). Obviously, when my husband is gone, I am in charge. But I am not the “ultimate decision maker”, my husband is. God knows our weaknesses and He specifically lead Paul to command us to be aware of those weaknesses.
Remember, that God doesn’t tell us to “love your wife” and “submit to your husband” when they deserve it. For they never will. Anymore than you deserve Christ dying for you.
But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; and have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him: where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all. Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. Colossians 3:8-17