Time out

Because both ultrasounds gave an estimated due date of October 7, my midwife is going with that date. So that would make me officially 43 weeks Thursday. That translates into “you’re running out of time”. If the baby is not born by Thursday or Friday, then she says we should consult a physician and ask to have an ultrasound done to make sure the baby is fine and all. I saw her last Saturday and she did a Non Stress Test (NST). The babies heart was fine and movement was normal. So is my blood pressure, heart rate and the urine test came out normal as well. But if we go to see the doctor, they will defiantly try and pressure us into an induction. Or they could just flat out refuse to do one if we refuse an induction. If there was a medical reason for one, I would not fight it. But if there isn’t one, I do not want a hospital birth. I have had 5 of them and while most people probably would not understand where I’m at with this, I don’t want another one. But it may come to the point where, medically or not, we don’t have a choice.

I don’t know what’s going on with my body. Last night, I went from 9:30 pm to 7:40 am having contractions every 10 minutes. So why did they stop? It’s not that contractions won’t start, it’s that they won’t keep going! I have tried to find someone who sells the Black and Blue Cohosh tinctures (they are herbal tinctures that have been used for centuries to induce labor. They are the herbal comparison to Pitocin.) However, because they are used only for labor inducement, no one keeps them in stock. Yes, I could order them on-line, but it would take a week to get here. I don’t think I have a week. I only know of one person who actually has the stuff, but she is not my midwife and she keeps that for her own patients. I think a kick-start is what my body needs, but without the tincture, I don’t know of anything else that would work.

I am taking Evening Primrose, Golden Seal, Black and Blue Cohosh (in the pill form) and a B complex. The part of the plan in the Blue Cohosh plant that causes contractions is not water soilable, so taking the pill form is a very slow process. They recommend you start taking the pill form in your 38 weeks, since it’s such a slow and gradual build up. That’s a nice thought, except I’m not in my 38th week.

What do I do? I know if God desires us to have this child in the hospital, then that’s what should happen. But if that is the case, then why did He give both Adam and I peace about the decision to have a home birth? I suppose I could understand a misunderstanding with myself, for I want a home birth enough that I could easily only see my desire and not His. But Adam? He’s not like that. He is so level headed and not easily swayed by his (or mine) emotions. How did he get it wrong? I just don’t get what God is trying to get to here.

Why is my body stopping and going, stopping and going…..getting my hopes up, just to have things stop? I was becoming convinced that this time was for real, for the contractions kept going all night, even when I was trying to sleep. And they were hard enough to wake me up each time. I’m ready to pull my hair out. I am so frustated with all this stuff. I suppose some might suggest that it’s time to give up and go to the hospital. I can’t explain why it is so important to me to have this child at home, with my midwife and not be hooked up to so many medical gagets. I’m at a loss at to what is going on and to why.

I told my mother-in-law that this has been the hardest thing, emotionally, mentally and physically, that I have ever gone through. It has been harder than all that went on with Nathaniel. I know there is a reason for all this and I trust God to know what He is doing. He is in control, I have no doubt about that. I am not going to give up and begin to doubt Him. I know He loves me, that He wants the best for me, and is in complete control of my life. Perhaps there will come a time where all this will make sense. In the mean-time, I can’t help but fight off the despair that comes with thinking my time is up.