I have many things to say today. But I don’t have the energy. However, I will pose two questions:
Why would God allow a woman to become pregnant, yet continually refuse to let her give birth?
And why would God give the appearance of starting things, only to stop them time and time again?
If anyone has the answers, I really need to hear them.
(I know the character of God. I know the abundance of His love is beyond our comprehension. I know His goodness endures forever. These things, and more, I believe with all my being. But this knowledge doesn’t cancel out my human emotions. It doesn’t make my inability to find joy today any less real. I am thankful for things today, I really am. But I’m not joyful. Nor am I hopeful. I just don’t have the ability to be so. I’m only human, after all. And while I know that there will be good coming from this and there will be joy again (perhaps tomorrow) in my heart, it’s a bit of a wilderness today. This too, shall pass. But until it does, I feel so empty. I’ve gone from feeling numb to weeping in a few seconds. I don’t like this place. But when you have your hopes dashed multiple times, I’m not sure where else you go. I’m not giving up on God or my faith. True, it’s being tested at the moment. However, I don’t doubt God’s intentions (no matter how much I don’t understand them). It’s myself I doubt.
I suppose I’m not putting my thoughts and feelings into words very well. Perhaps this is the reason for all this: to be joyful in times of trouble. If that’s the case, I failed horribly today. I believe God won’t give us more than we can handle, so He obviously knows far more things than I do about myself. I feel so broken. So empty. Why? What about this process is breaking me so? What is it about all this that is causing me such disparaging emotions?
All I can do is shrug my shoulders. I don’t know anything. I just know this how I’m feeling. They are true and real feelings that I am being honest with God about. So much for not saying much, huh?)
Hi Jennifer,
I think your comment "I don't know anything" is the first step to getting the peace you need. A friend once told me, "God knows you're stupid," meaning, God is not going to let you make a dumb mistake when you really just want to do His will. We have to trust him. WE don't know anything! What we do know, it comes from Him.
Romans 8:28 is so awesome. If we love God, it's all for our good! If He desires a trial for us, oh the grace and peace that will be ours, if we will receive it. It passes all understanding — that's what we need! And James 1, to count it all joy. You know, it says that because its NOT our first reaction. But if we knew what God knows, it's the right thing to do, to count it all joy.
Also, Romans 12 tells us, if we just offer our bodies as living sacrifices…then we will know God's will, He will give us wisdom because we just want to do His will. I have to believe that letting God plan your family could possibly at least be a *part* of offering your body as a living sacrifice, given to God's purposes. (I don't mean by having a zillion children, I just mean letting Him direct in that area.)
God allows these challenges in pregnancy as our discipleship program. We have to turn to Him, and PUT OUR TRUST in Him, moment by moment. We have to move beyond how we feel, die to all that, and care for others before ourselves. It is hard, and I sure haven't arrived. Just as real physical training HURTS, spiritual training hurts. But its a good pain that accomplishes good for us if we don't fight it.
I am still learning this, but its the only thing I've got. I am praying that you will prove God's grace is made perfect in your weakness. You are very blessed and we love you guys!
Here is a link to an awesome missionary message you can listen to on the computer that is such a blessing! Paul Dye, missionary pilot. It has been such an encouragment to us, and our children love to listen to it each night!
http://www.charityministries.org/msg_detail.a5w?vlast_index=569