Wow! Am I really sitting here, all by myself, and typing? And only 2 are asleep (the other 3 are cleaning the floor. You gotta’ love having lots of children!). I have so many things running through my head right now about what to write about. But I think I’ll talk about what’s closer to my heart right now: Fear.
*Warning: some of this is personal stuff, but to share what the fear is all about, I have to share the personal stuff. My apology to anyone if they are offended.*
As you all know, probably know anyway, that Nathaniel is 9 weeks old now and that after a woman has a baby, she bleeds for a certain amount of time. With the first four children, I bled for about 5 weeks. So you could imagine how baffled I was when week 5 came and went and I was still bleeding. Then week 6. Then week 7. At about 7 1/2 weeks, I finally stopped. I was more than grateful! But only for about 4 days, because I started bleeding again. And I bled for 7 more days, then I stopped and nothing since. And this is causing my fear.
You see, my cycles have always been a true 7 day thing. So, was this last stint of bleeding a cycle? Up until now, my cycles haven’t returned until the baby is about 7 months old because they have begun to eat solids and are not nursing exclusively. And the nursing has always suppressed ovulation for me. But now I’m worried. I want more children, yes. But not right now. There is a reason for this, but it’s probably not what you think.
I know there is a good chance that I’m gettin’ all worked up for nothing. Just because I stopped bleeding, then began again for 7 days, and stopped again doesn’t mean it was a cycle and doesn’t mean I’ll conceive again. Just as there is no gareuntee that just because you don’t bleed, you won’t conceive. But my fear is not coming from the chance of having another baby soon. And while that does makes me pause a bit, it’s not really making me nervous.
What is causing my fear is this: What will people think?
I don’t want to care what people think. If I am causing them to stumble or offending them, that’s one thing. And I would want to know about it. But I truly don’t want to care if they disapprove of the things we think and the way we live. We live this way, not to make people look at us or to purposely live on the “fringe”, but because we both believe in our hearts, that this is what God wants for us and this is the path that He is leading us down. And I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that God controls everything in this universe. And that includes the womb and whether or not I can handle more children right now. And if it happens, I’ll be alright, because I trust Him to know what He’s doing.
So why does it bother me what people would think if I get pregnant again so soon? I know what they’ll say because I have heard it before. This really bothers me. It’s not their business if the Lord decides to give us another child again so soon. And yet….
I’m in prayer about this. Again, it not the idea of more children because I want several more children, if the Lord’s will is in it. It’s the knowledge that people will “wag their tongues” and “shake their heads” that is causing the fear. And I don’t like it. Not one bit.
If you wouldn’t mind, for those of you who have dealt with this before, how did you get over it? What things helped you? Did you care that your children were close together and people talked about you? Thank you to anyone who will share with me!