I’m in serious trouble today. Really I am. My last post was upbeat and optimistic. But I’m not there today. I’m far, far from it. I’m trying to be. I’m trying really, really hard. And I’m praying really, really hard and earnestly. But it’s not working. And this is worse then last Friday.
I feel I’m at my end. Not physically or even emotionally. But mentally. Mentally, I’m at my end. I know that physically I can go 4 weeks and 4 days longer. God forbid!! (I did that with Grace. She was 18 days over-due). But at that point, I didn’t have 4 other children, only one. And that is making a big difference. Yes, I did go 12 days over with Isaac, but again, it was a different situation. The energy that it’s taking, to take care of my family, home and to deal with these stupid contractions!, the emotional needs that are constantly being met and the mental preparedness that is essential…they are all taking a serious toll on me.
I have hesitated before about complaining about being pregnant because I didn’t want to give anyone a good argument against having many children. But the truth is, pregnancy is hard work. And it only gets harder the more children you have. That certainly is not to say that the children are not worth it all (because they are!) and that we are foolish for trusting God. For who would be foolish for trusting the One who knows everything and how/when everything needs to happen? Can we claim to be that One? Of course not. But even though the children are worth everything we go through and God does know it all, it doesn’t mean this is a walk in the park.
I am tired of being tired. I am tired of hurting (or at least very uncomfortable) most of the time. I seriously don’t know how much longer I can go. Intellectually, I know Who has been carrying me and sustaining me thus far. And I know Who will be doing it tomorrow and for the rest of the future. But the idea of waking up tomorrow to another day without being in labor….is a very depressing thought. And I’m not one who gets easily depressed, so this bothers me greatly. My husband will probably think otherwise, but I think I’m struggling more mentally this time then I have before. Maybe because I’m trying so hard not to be the mental basket case that I have been in the past, it’s back firing on me. Maybe it’s because my mind has chosen to forget how it was before and I now look back and see that I handled it better. I don’t know. I just know that I believe I’m at the end of my rope.
I can imagine what my husbands’ reaction will be, but I’m seriously thinking about induction. You see, I’m due Dec. 27th and Adam has the 26th – Jan 6 off. My mother is here during that time as well. My mother-in-law is having surgery next Wed (Dec 19th). And so, if I go too far past the due date, I will have little to no help. Adam will go back to work, my mother will go home, my sister-in-laws work, and my mother-in-law will be out of commission for a long time (she’s a slow healer). I will have no one, but myself and 5 children 7 and under. So, I’m thinking if I get to my due date and still no baby, I want to have a “back up plan” in the wings. Generally, I wouldn’t seriously think about it because of my c-section with Maacah. I can only have so much pitocin, and then if they break my water and nothing happens, it’s a c-section with out question. But I am already 1 cm and 60% effaced. So it’s more likely that induction would work then if there was no change at all. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow about it. Of course, it isn’t something I’d do if I didn’t have Adam’s support. If he’s dead set against it, then it won’t happen. But I absolutely don’t want to get to the point of having this baby, only to have my support people be gone. That thought terrifies me. Of course I’ll be “on my own” at some point, for but the first week or 2?!
So, here I sit, wanting to be optimistic and trying not to cry. So far today, the tears are winning….