Why do we do what we do? I mean, by now we should know what works and what doesn’t. Right? So why don’t we stay on the track that leads us to where we want to go?
Don’t ask me, because I don’t know either. My days as of late have not been very good. I’ve been testy, ill-tempered, impatient and not the kind of mother I want to be. And certainly not the kind of mother I want my children to remember me as. I was doing okay before. I wasn’t yelling nearly half as much as I was in my earlier mother-hood moments. I was beginning to be more focus of the positive, then on the negative. And I was starting to see a marked difference in my relationship with my oldest daughter. Now I’m almost back to square one (not quite, but almost). So what is amiss?
My priorities, dear friend. When things were “going good” I was making my time with God my first priority. That doesn’t mean it was the first things I did each morning. I seem to wane a bit by the afternoon, so that is the time that is best for me to get re-filled and re-grouped. But for whatever reason, I’ve not been doing that. Yes, I still read every day. About 3 years ago, I made a promise to God that I will read each and every day. I will admit that there have been a handful of days where I did not read: the days in was in the hospital having children, being in the hospital with Malachi, being ferociously sick myself. But truly, truly, these days are few and far between. So at night, when I’m thinking back on the day, it occurs to me that I have not read yet. So the importance of my promise makes me get back out of bed, go downstairs and read a few chapters. Remember Jephthah? Yeah, that makes me get up. Don’t ever make a promise to God and not keep it.
So why do I periodically do this? Why do I replace my reading God’s word with something else? Most likely because I’m human, I’m sinful and my fleshy desires get in the way of what is truly important.
Oh, the goodness and mercy of our God! If we are open and looking, He will show us what is amiss in our lives and point us in the right direction. Sometimes it’s a gentle nudge and sometimes it’s a 4×4 across our foreheads. And yet, the 4×4 is still mercy. It is still goodness. Instead of leaving us to ourselves to follow in our own folly, He calls us back to His path. The last three days, things have been back to where they should be.
If I don’t let myself get in the way again, things will start improving.